a substitute for your sanity

Lately I have been caught up in this idea of life after death. Being a Christian, one would think my afterlife is set. I still cannot help but think of what lies in that other realm…and how we get there. I have been obsesssssed with the movie The Fountain. If you have not heard of it nor seen it, please go see it. It is so painstakingly beautiful. On top of the phenominal videography and heartbreaking soundtrack, the central theme is this idea of afterlife: death is the road to awe. Interesting to contemplate. I have always thought that when I die I will be lost…but this idea that your death is the road to an even greater life - afterlife - is helping me cope. I do hope that in the afterlife I will be even more useful and important than I am in this life. That I will have more of a path to follow. Now, I go with the flow of life, and find myself trapped in the rising tide, only to be dragged further out into the sea. When I think of this movie, I think of how the Mayans viewed the world: as a huge place that no one man could conquer (good thing they never had a run-in with the snobbish British). Xibalba is their afterlife, located in a dying star in the heavens. Being the amazing atrsonomers the Mayans were, it’s interesting to wonder how right they are about more than just life and religion, what more they could have known than us when we are such an advanced cizilization. The location of Xibalba being in a dying star is fascinating enough to me. Of all the healthy points of light in the sky, the Mayans chose to represent their underworld with something dying. Although, if you know a bit about dying stars, the explosion that is caused when the star completely dies creates new stars. All of this is exceedingly wonderful to think about.

You know what I have figured out about this world? People are cruel. They’re always going to be, especially if you have something they desire. Why can I not get this through my thick skull? It’s as if I keep trying to find the good in some people and constantly come up short, left only to be hurt. The funniest thing about all of this is that the people who I trust most not to hurt me are those who hurt me the worst. I want to be able to trust them…believe me, I do. However, I know that I no longer can. I must put my faith in one person and save myself. Being selfish is just so new to me, and I find that I hate it terribly. But forgive me for not being able to withstand everything the world seems to dish out at me. Perhaps your soulmate is the only person you are supposed to trust. Mine has been the only constant source of love and guidance I have had the past 7 years. Thank God for him.

I know it’s been entirely too long since my last post, so let me make up for lost time. The summer was just amazing, and I honestly don’t think I will be able to describe it anymore than that. It was wonderful, carefree, and calming. Of course when you get to spend 3 months with your soulmate while hardly working, you tend to enjoy a lovely summer of cooking for your man and waking up to his handsome face every morning :) Can’t honestly get any better than that! This new semester has been interesting to say the least. I now firmly believe there is no such thing as a good roommate, and find myself extremely jealous of other guys and gals who seem to have found an equal to live with while in college. My sleep schedule has been so haphazard and broken that I wonder if I will ever be able to find a normal sleeping pattern ever again in my life. However, that is college, and living with people who have little respect for themselves let alone anyone else is quite difficult to bear. On top of that, work has been a bore. I began teaching swimming lessons this time around, and while the kids are enjoyable enough, the work has me scatter-brained and rushing around all the time. On top of all of this, my 1-year mark was up in August and a pay raise was not in the cards for me. Being a lifeguard and swim instructor should insure lots of hours in the great state of Florida and a great pay rate, wouldn’t you think? Oh no. Aparently there are, of course, more politics behind it all than necessary, which is normal in any work-involved situation I guess. As such, I PUT MY 2 WEEK NOTICE IN TODAY!!! :) Just couldn’t take it anymore. Now on to school. What is really funny about this part is that the ONE class I have been worried about the most is the class I am doing the best in. I also find this humorous because I still think I have no idea what is going on, especially during discussions, and yet I manage to make it seem like I do know what is going on half the time. Interesting, I would say! And then the one class I thought would be a breeze has turned out to be the worst class. It’s at 8am, and it’s about International Politics. To make matters worse, my professor doesn’t take attendance (aka I rarely go to class). Good thing that I actually read my book or I might just fail (in which case a C is a fail for me). As such, this semester has turned out to be much better than any of my others. I am making great friends within my department of interest and am able to have great relationships with most of my professors as well! That is a huge bonus for me, because although I am outgoing and outspoken, letting people in has been an issue. And to think, after this semester I only have 3 more to go until I graduate COLLEGE!!! ahhhhhhhhhh :-D The one thing I can honestly say has been terrible this semester (besides not being able to see my boyfriend) has been my “friends”. I will not devulge too many details because I might not stop before I explode onto the screen, but let’s just say I once again found someone I thought I could trust to be untrustworthy. I have also realized that my closest friends all live at least 1000 miles away from me. Why does this happen to me? Anywho, it has just been hard for me to even see this “friend” since the incident, because she seems so innocent to it all. I, however, forgive; but I do not forget. Where do we go from here? All I know is that I want a friend here with me who knows me, respects everything about me, and still loves me. Seems like people find all these faults within me and try to change and morph me into the person they want me to. It makes me wonder why I am so broken to these people. All in all, this semester has been taxing, body and mind. The roommate issues have spiraled out of control and I will hopefully be able to move out next semester. Although, who knows if these new girls will be any better? I surely don’t know. I can only hope and pray that God gives me some peace and relaxation. Hopefully I finish out the semester strong and am able to pull off some spectacular grades as well! OH and I desperately need to do some winter shopping for my trip back to the blustery cold of Ohio! I think I might actually invest in some really nice cardigans and stockings…not too sure how those are going to look on my very muscular legs :/ One can only hope they look decent! Peace for now.